Why make-up sex may not fix anything

Do tensions between you and your partner often boil over into the bedroom?

While make-up sex might feel intense, passionate and like a release from heightened emotions, if there's little conversation happening about the argument, experts say it might not be helping you solve much.

Here's their advice on how to recognise if sex after a fight is becoming an unhealthy pattern and how to use the moment to truly reconnect.

Sex can 'break the tension'

During conflict, cortisol and adrenaline can flood our bodies, bringing a sense of "emotional discomfort", says sexologist Dr Armin Ariana.

"But at the same time, it is tapping into a little activation of your desire department.

"It's not necessarily giving you a readiness for sex, but it is bringing a little bit of arousal in.

"The soothing thing that you get from [sex] is helping your nerves to calm down."

For some, sex can be a "release valve" after a fight, says relationship coach Megan Luscombe.

"The nervous system is activated, you're both fully present."

"When the tension breaks, there's an enormous amount of energy that needs somewhere to go."

However, some people may be more wary of sex after a fight, says clinical sexologist and relationship counsellor Tanya Koens.

"They might feel like the boundaries have been crossed or they haven't been understood, which may not feel as safe or as exciting as it does for others."

She says as long as "the sex is not coerced, or somebody feels like they have to do it to keep the peace … then I don't think that it's wrong".

Is it actually make-up sex?

Luscombe believes the term make-up sex needs a rebrand because it implies the fight is over or there was repair.

"What [usually] happens is the intensity peaked, [a couple] needed relief, and sex provided it," she says.

"Calling it make-up sex lets people off the hook from having the actual conversation.

"The thing you were fighting about is still sitting on the kitchen bench waiting for you on Tuesday morning."

Ariana recommends couples enjoy the closeness sex offers, but to come back to the conversation.

"If this becomes, 'we can do it and there's no harm done', do it.

"But don't use it to avoid that kind of conversation that needs to happen.

"The underlying problem will remain unresolved."

What is the meaning behind the sex?

Koens says people have different ideas, beliefs and meanings about sex, and it is best to check in with your partner afterwards.

"You can ask, what does this mean? Are we still fighting? Have we solved things?"

Research shows women losing interest in sex before their male partners is less about not wanting it at all, and more about being bored with the sex on offer.

"A lot of people have break-up sex [because] they're no longer troubled by the things that were bothering them in the relationship.

"One or both people can think, 'oh, we've had such great break-up sex, maybe we should stay together'.

"It's really all about the meaning that you're putting towards the sex."

Experts say couples may also mistake the intensity of post-fight sex for intimacy.

"Intensity and intimacy feel similar in the body, your heart rate is up, you're hyper aware of the other person, there's a kind of electric aliveness to it," Luscombe says.

"But intimacy is actually built in the quiet moments, the conversations that aren't heated, the repair that happens when nobody's adrenaline is running the show.

"Couples who've been running on intensity for years often tell me they feel simultaneously very passionate and very lonely."

How sex can help start a conversation

If you've recognised sex after conflict has become a pattern in your relationship, our experts say you can harness it positively.

"After any kind of sexual activity, you get endorphins, dopamine and oxytocin," Ariana says.

"That would be a good time to open up, to have the conversation [about the issue] because the connection and the intimacy build that emotional safety."

Those chemicals released during sex are linked to behaviours like kindness and generosity, according to Koens.

"So, if you've been having sexy times, it might be easier to talk to your partner afterwards, when you're feeling a little bit more relaxed and a little bit closer."

Recognising the pattern in the relationship is the first step to resolving it, Luscombe says.

"Noticing that the fight ended in bed and the conversation never actually finished.

"Then having that conversation, the one that feels less urgent once the adrenaline has dropped, but is actually the most important one."

Couples may need help from a professional counsellor to work through it, she says.

If couples recognise sex after conflict as an unhealthy pattern in their relationship, they can also try pausing and having a break, recommends Ariana.

"Try to practice something like mindfulness, calm down first or intentionally pause.

"It is better to pause after the conflict and try to force a more genuine repair."

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