Big Cat Alliance Summit: Tigers, Lions and Leopards roar over forests, highways and human encroachment

The International Big Cat Alliance Summit was supposed to be held in New Delhi in the beginning of June. Down in Jungleland (DiJ) takes a swing at what could be the points of view from the big cats who will be the subject of the summit.

Tiger: We need more territory and there must be a ban on pushing expressways through our forests.

Lion: (interrupting) Excuse me, I think I should talk first. I am the King of the Jungle after all.

Tiger: (growling) And I am the national animal of the world’s biggest democracy and this is my domain. So wait your turn.

Lion: You — not even 4,000 — are only found in this godforsaken subcontinent where the mantra is to cut down the forests and build roads and dams. And in China, they farm you for skin and bones, bah! We roam the Gir forests and the vast plains of Africa where thousands of tourists and photographers make documentaries of us.

Leopard: Wait, we need to discuss more important matters. We leopards are being persecuted everywhere. In national parks and sanctuaries, all that people want is to see the tiger, not us. When we entered cities like Mumbai and Gurugram, they got after us, for killing their dogs.

Lion: (shuddering) In Gir, they are turning us into pussycats. With forest guards sitting casually nearby babysitting us all the time. They are damn lucky we are so congenitally lazy and they’re so scrawny. We want to move out. What if there’s a Covid equivalent virus that strikes us here?

Tiger: (smirking) You’re stuck in Gir because you’re the PM’s pet! Kitty-kitty! Puddy-tat! And yes, they call you Indian loins don’t they? (laughter)

Cheetah: (anxiously) Hey, don’t get any ideas of migrating to Kuno! We have a tough enough time as it is dealing with you guys (points towards the leopard) murdering our babies, with feral dogs and hyenas.

Jaguar: If you let me have a word. I think we jaguars are the most important big cats on the planet. We live in and protect the great Amazon rainforest, without which the Earth would just shrivel up and die.

Snow leopard: And we guard the mighty Himalayas, the source of freshwater and holy rivers for an entire civilisation. Spiritual books have been written about me. They need to give us top priority.

Puma: Hold on, do you know I have the most names? Puma, cougar, mountain lion, panther… I am found in the greatest country in the world, the USA besides South and Central America.

Puma: Well the Brits and Maharajas nearly wiped you and your lion friend out completely.

Cheetah: They succeeded with our Indian cousins, didn’t they? And now they go around saying ‘Make

in India’

Leopard: (Grinning) You are making in India – and very tasty babies too!

Cheetah: (Bristling and turning to the others) Hey, did you hear that? And you will say nothing about it?

Tiger: (Turning to the lion): You better watch out: I heard that they are going to serve you dhoklas.

Lion: (roaring) Over my dead body!

Puma: No worries for me! It’s beef burgers for me!

Tiger: Kindly do not use the ‘b’ word… We do not tolerate intemperate language. We are a civilised country with a 5,000 year history!

Snow leopard: So where do we go from here?

Tiger: We pass a unanimous resolution. I propose: No more felling of forests anywhere or building expressways through them, no more tunnelling through mountains and building tower block resorts in hill stations, expansion of our protected areas, tourists to keep a minimum of 500 meters away from us at all times, with not more than two Gypsies allowed at any one time, Indian lions to be allowed to go to any suitable habitat of their choice — except Kuno and Africa… a statue be built of the Asiatic cheetah, in Kuno to commemorate the last of the local species, all poachers to be brought before us to deal with in any way we like…

Lion: (shaking its mane) You know they will never agree… like Iran and America.

Tiger: Then we take direct action: We tigers will leap into tourist Gypsies and you lions go on a fast-unto-death if served dhoklas. Remember they have been invading our territories for years, it is time we defended our precious habitats.

Puma: And be allowed to carry arms…

Tiger: (showing him his teeth and unsheathing his claws) Well, we are armed at all times…

Jaguar: Si, senors, and we should be allowed at least one gringo a month.

Puma: (licking its chops) Oh yeah, all those XXL fast food junkies! Delicious

Tiger: (Grimacing) All skin and bones this side! But if we do, they’ll come after us with guns regardless of our protective status and take us down like that guy did to Avni… But you guys are welcome to go ahead!

Clouded leopard: Excuse me, sirs…

(They all look around surprised and spot him).

Tiger: Where the heck did you come from? And who are you?