'I've lost my whole life': Survivors speak one year on from changes to redress

Content warning: This story discusses sexual abuse.

Twisted and raised scars run across the top of Alan Nixon's hands like topographical maps of the abuse in his past.

The marks are the physical reminders of what the Brothers of St John of God did to him as a child but the psychological scars run deeper.

Nixon ended up in the care of the Brothers because he was in the care of the state.

"My mum couldn't look after me so they put me in a foster home," he said.

"They strongly believed in giving rations. They'd give me a half a glass of water - everything would be half - so at night-time I'd go because I was thirsty, all the taps used to be wrenched tight, so I found a way of how to get a drink of water. I'd stick my cup or find something and stick it into the toilet and scoop it out, scoop it out from there."

Nixon's carer would belt him across the head for quenching his thirst from the toilet.

"They couldn't put up with me so I got shipped to another family home that would put up with me and then I was just shipped around and went to Braemar Hospital and then moved to Wellington and then Miramar Girls' Home. I was too young to go to a boys home so they stuck me in a girls home ... because I was the only little boy I got molested by the older girls."

Among his state files was a Marlborough Express article from 1966 that provides an insight into attitudes towards children like Nixon at the time.

The story described the police search for the person responsible for trying to set a police car on fire.

The culprit was found with a bottle of beer under each arm, a tin of tobacco, a penny and his pants on back-to-front.

The article's writer obviously found the spectacle amusing.

"It was obvious he couldn't handle his liquor too well ... which wasn't at all surprising - he is only four years old!"

That four-year-old was Nixon.

The circumstances provided a concerning insight into why the young boy was made a state ward.

The Department of Social Welfare placed Nixon in the care of the Brothers of St John of God at Marylands School in Christchurch without telling his parents.

"I got sexually abused by the Catholic brothers, quite badly," Nixon said.

"I was about eight-and-a-half, nine years of age when I went down there."

Several brothers abused the young boy over the six years he spent at the school, including notorious paedophile Bernard McGrath.

"I was only supposed to have been there for 12 months but there was no other place where they could put me," he said.

Even the school holidays offered no reprieve.

"When we used to go home for Christmas and the holidays, I'd go home for about a couple of days and then I'd get shipped to Epuni Boys' Home. While I was in Epuni Boys' Home, I got sexually abused by Mr Ngatai," he said.

John Ngatai worked in several state institutions over a period of 15 years.

The Ministry of Social Development denied a number of claims about Ngatai's abuse, including Nixon's, although it accepted other failings during Nixon's care, including instances of physical and emotional abuse, and paid a settlement.

Nixon said the government still owed him recognition and compensation for the sexual abuse he suffered at the hands of the Brothers of St John of God and Ngatai.

Most of his childhood was spent in the company of abusers and most of his adulthood was spent behind bars.

"I want my life back, what I missed out on," he said.

"I know no money is going to cure things but I can't get no job. I've lost my whole life of making money for myself, like making a living."

Nixon tried to have his claim for sexual abuse revisited since the government announced changes to the redress system at last year's budget but he said he was told it had been closed.

Ministry of Social Development historic claims general manager Linda Hrstich-Meyer said it was seriously considering Nixon's request.

"Mr Nixon's original claim was settled in 2013 based on the information available at the time and the policy settings in place then. Since that time the approach to these claims has evolved, including the introduction of top-ups and the ability to request that your historic claims be revisited under today's framework," Hrstich-Meyer said.

"In relation to allegations involving John Ngatai, these were considered as part of Mr Nixon's original claim. Based on the information available at the time, they were not included in the settlement. We recognise that additional information and understanding can change over time, which is why we are open to revisiting claims where appropriate.

"As of 17 June 2026, 22 people have made allegations of sexual abuse by John Ngatai at Epuni Boys' Home. In 10 of those cases, those allegations were taken into account in settlement offers, while some claimants chose alternative processes that did not involve assessing individual allegations."

If Nixon's request to revisit his claim was accepted it would be reassessed under today's settings, Linda Hrstich-Meyer said.

"Settlement amounts are not based on minimising claims but on the information available and the assessment framework in place at the time," she said.

"There is no amount of money that can fully recognise the harm experienced by survivors of abuse in care. Our focus is on ensuring claims are assessed fairly, consistently and in a way that reflects today's understanding and approach. Across the system work is underway to strengthen how survivors are supported, including improvements to redress processes and consistency across agencies."

'It's been a life that nobody wants to live'

Warren Tait had a similar story to Nixon.

His family home was unsafe and so were the places he ended up.

"My father started it all, mate, by what he done to me when I was a kid," Tait said.

"My father used to punch me in the pram and used to give me a hiding and whip me with a stick, put me in a freezing cold bath and half drown me in the bath and that's why the welfare stepped in and I was taken to a farm when I was five-years-old.

"I got sexually abused there when I was five-years-old and bashed around so they sent me back home, but same thing happened at home, half drown in the bath. The welfare stepped in and made me a state ward."

He was then sent to Stanmore Road Boys' Home in Christchurch.

"I got abused there and punched around by one of the men that were meant to look after you. So really they took me from one place to another, which continued on all through my time in the welfare system," Tait said.

There were more care homes and then Hokio Beach School near Levin and Campbell Park School near Oamaru. He suffered sexual and physical abuse at both schools.

Tait's teenage years finished at Invercargill Borstal but he spent time in prison and psychiatric hospitals as an adult.

For all he had been through, Tait was given $30,000 by the Ministry of Social Development.

Tait had nothing to show for it now and was now in a care home because of complex health needs.

"All my benefit goes to the home and I'm left with $110 a fortnight and that's nothing," he said.

Tait also wanted an apology from the state.

"It's been a life that nobody wants to live because it's in your mind 24 hours of the day, what happened," he said.

"When I go to bed I dream of being sexually abused and I don't understand why that this is happening."

Officials briefed ministers on paying survivors $100k

The average payment to a survivor of abuse in state care was now $30,000 after the government raised it from $20,000 last May.

There was also funding of up to $5000 in targeted supports although documents obtained under the Official Information Act showed ministers were briefed on the possibility of raising average payments to $50,000 or even $100,000, with options for targeted supports ranging from $5000 to $15,000.

Raising average payments to $100,000 would have cost $600 million to $1.2 billion over the budgeted four-year period.

RNZ asked Erica Stanford, the minister leading the government's response to the abuse in care inquiry, whether she personally supported higher payouts and why higher payments were not advanced by the cabinet.

Stanford was not available for an interview and did not respond to written questions before deadline.

Advocate Ken Clearwater said the country's redress system was still failing survivors.

"These guys' lives were destroyed from childhood. They were kids in a place of horrendous trauma, abuse and violence and so they grow up that way," he said.

"They haven't been able to change their lives and they've never been taught how to use money. The system is wrong."

In apologising to abuse survivors in November 2024, Prime Minister Christopher Luxon said "no amount of money will ever make up for what you have endured".

Clearwater and other advocates said money offered by the state and churches did not come close to righting the wrongs.

"Look at the ones who have never worked and never been able to work, a lot with criminal records so they couldn't get jobs and never trained to have jobs, so they have lost an entire lifetime to earn money for themselves.

"They've been on benefits and stuck in that system that abused them in the first place and now you've got that same system - the abusers, the perpetrators - are trying to work out a way to fix it and they are failing badly," he said.

'The churches were not accountable ... and did not provide fair redress'

The Royal Commission of Inquiry into Abuse in Care recommended creating a single redress system designed and led by survivors to respond to all claims of abuse in state and faith-based settings.

The government instead reformed the existing systems and excluded faith-based organisations.

For that reason, Nixon said he was fighting to get the government to recognise its role in the abuse he suffered from the Brothers of St John of God.

Many survivors of abuse by clerics told RNZ it was frustrating to approach the state only to find themselves directed back to churches.

Christopher Longhurst settled a claim with Society of Mary before the Royal Commission of Inquiry released its findings.

He now wanted the Catholic order to revisit his claim of settlement.

"The abuse that I reported in 2017 was regarding a Catholic priest, Father Kevin Francis O'Donoghue, who was my school teacher at St John's College in Hastings in the 1980s," he said.

"Father Donoghue attempted to rape me. It had devastating consequences on my health, on my career, on my high school career and on my family too."

Longhurst was in his last year of high school at the time and said he was able to fight off the priest and flee.

He said it followed earlier sexual abuse at the hands of a Marist brother.

RNZ has seen documents that showed the Society of Mary acknowledged that "something had happened that led to the pain and suffering caused to Christopher by the action of Father Kevin O'Donoghue" but "does not accept that there is sufficient evidence to assess this was a sexually motivated assault".

Despite that, Longhurst received an apology in 2019 from the society's then-provincial David Kennerley for the distress he experienced as a student at St John's College and a $5000 ex-gratia payment.

"I acknowledge and regret that you experienced pain and suffering as a result of the circumstances you described in your complaint relating to Father Kevin O'Donoghue. I further acknowledge the negative impacts that experience had on you personal sense of dignity, your happiness and your education," the letter said.

Longhurst sought to have the payment revisited and the deed of settlement cancelled in April.

"What we know today is that the churches were not accountable, were not responsible and did not provide fair redress," he said.

"So things have changed quickly from 2017 to 2019 and then from 2019 to 2021 and then from 2021 to today."

The Society of Mary - a registered charity with net assets totalling more than $93m - was unwilling to revisit the matter.

The Society of Mary is a Catholic order with about 100 members in New Zealand and has established schools around the country including St Patrick's College in Wellington, St Bede's College in Christchurch and St John's College in Hastings.

Some of its members were also known paedophiles.

The society's assets included Mission Estate Winery.

The Society of Mary General New Zealand Trust's records showed it provided financial support to its priests and brothers, including those who were retired.

While giving evidence to the Royal Commission in March 2021, the society's then-provincial Father Tim Duckworth acknowledged abusers were removed from ministry but not from the order and continued to receive housing, financial and pastoral support from the order.

Duckworth told the inquiry he was aware of 81 reports or disclosures of abuse against Society of Mary priests or brothers, 58 of which were against children and 45 of which had happened at a Marist school.

The order had a responsibility to provide for its members, even those who were disgraced, and to ensure they did not abuse anyone else, Duckworth said.

"He's [an abuser] going to live in a community where he is supervised and cared for and looked after," he told the inquiry.

"I don't want him to go away and feel so ashamed that he tops himself either, to be blunt. I would take no pleasure in that at all. So I want young people or whoever the person might have as their target, one might say, to be safe and I also want to make sure that they don't set up themselves somewhere in a place where they might do something.

"So I think that we are responsible for this man and we, some of our guys probably think to themselves I wish we didn't have to, but we do have to, we do have to keep him and everybody else safe and that's our firm commitment."

The Royal Commission established that the society paid between $5000 and up to $50,000 to people who had reported abuse.

RNZ asked the society questions in relation to Longhurst's claim and concerns but did not receive answers that directly addressed them.

"For decades the Society of Mary has been walking with people who have brought forward complaints about its members. Each case is assessed based on the specific circumstances of that complaint. It is not appropriate to discuss an individual case, especially if someone is seeking to revisit that case," the society said in a statement.

"Earlier this year the government published its common payment framework. It guides the determination of redress payments with victims and survivors of abuse across a range of state agencies. The Society of Mary has reviewed that alongside its own guiding documents. We are confident that our approach aligns with other organisations in New Zealand seeking to respond compassionately to those who have suffered abuse."

Abuse in NZ 'continues almost unabated'

Survivor and advocate Keith Wiffin said the redress system remained manifestly unfit and inadequate.

"Those survivors have found themselves in those desperate situations because of what's happened to them in their formative years and that's what the state and the faith-based organisations are responsible for," he said.

"It's not just about money, this. It's about a holistic redress programme that needs to be put in place - health-related supports, counselling always available, your dental care would get looked after you don't have to pay that out of any monetary amount you may well have got. So that was an incredibly important thing.

"That's why I say it's cost effective to address this rather than have it go on the way it's going at the minute, which is essentially the agencies, the government, the faith-based organisations, essentially ignoring the recommendations of the Royal Commission and just deferring back to the old ways of doing things which is one of the very reasons we had to have a Royal Commission of Inquiry.

"The way it's going at the moment, as far as I can see, is that we will need another inquiry 10 years from now because we haven't listened to the first one."

Cooper Legal principal partner Sonja Cooper, whose firm had acted for hundreds of abuse survivors and victims, said changes to the system were underwhelming and increasing the average payment from $20,000 to $30,000 was an insult to them.

She was also concerned about the future.

"The next generation of clients that we're getting - clients who were born in the 2000s, some of whom are just ageing out of care now - what's disturbing about that is that the stories they are telling us are horrific," Cooper said.

"Many of them have suffered what I would call torture and we are talking about things that happened not that long ago five or 10 years ago.

"It's really important for people to be conscious and aware that abuse of children and vulnerable people in New Zealand hasn't stopped. It continues almost unabated."

Where to get help:

Need to Talk? Free call or text 1737 any time to speak to a trained counsellor, for any reason

Lifeline: 0800 543 354 or text HELP to 4357

Suicide Crisis Helpline: 0508 828 865 / 0508 TAUTOKO. This is a service for people who may be thinking about suicide, or those who are concerned about family or friends

Depression Helpline: 0800 111 757 or text 4202

Samaritans: 0800 726 666

Youthline: 0800 376 633 or text 234 or email [email protected]

What's Up: 0800 WHATSUP / 0800 9428 787. This is free counselling for 5 to 19-year-olds

Asian Family Services: 0800 862 342 or text 832. Languages spoken: Mandarin, Cantonese, Korean, Vietnamese, Thai, Japanese, Hindi, and English.

Victim Support 0800 842 846.

Rural Support Trust Helpline: 0800 787 254

Healthline: 0800 611 116

Rainbow Youth: (09) 376 4155

OUTLine: 0800 688 5463

Aoake te Rā bereaved by suicide service: or call 0800 000 053

If it is an emergency and you feel like you or someone else is at risk, call 111.

Sexual Violence

NZ Police.

Rape Crisis: 0800 88 33 00.

Rape Prevention Education.

Empowerment Trust.

HELP (Auckland): 09 623 1700, (Wellington): 04 801 6655.

Safe to talk: 0800 044 334.

Tautoko Tāne Male Survivors Aotearoa.

Survivors Network of those Abused by Priests (SNAP) 022 344 0496.