‘Not ready to negotiate’: Why more midlife women in India are choosing to stay single

Nita has the kind of wit that can disarm a room. She also has a thoroughly considered and satisfying life built entirely on her own terms. No husband, no apology, and, increasingly, no patience for those who question her decision to stay single at 42.

Nita, who works in human resources, is part of a quiet but growing cohort of women in India, in their late 30s, 40s, and 50s, who have consciously chosen not to marry. They are single, not because something went wrong, but because, after examining the script society handed them, they decided to write their own.

For most of these women, the choice was not a single moment of defiance. It arrived gradually, through years of self-examination, professional ambition, and an accumulating sense that marriage did not fit into the scheme of who they were becoming.

DISCLAIMER: This article is based on information from the public domain and/or the experts we spoke to.

“I began asking myself a fundamental question: why do I need to get married? If it is for financial security, I am financially independent. If it is for companionship, I believe meaningful relationships can exist without the institution of marriage,” Rashika, 38, tells indianexpress.com,

Many of the men she encountered over the years, she adds, held views that did not align with her belief in equality and mutual respect. “This made it increasingly difficult to envision the kind of companionship I sought and, in turn, reinforced my decision to remain unmarried,” says the banker.

For Richa Mohta, who is in her mid-30s, the decision crystallised in her late twenties when she finally found herself and wasn’t ready to negotiate that away. “I have discovered what I love and the business I want to build. I am just not ready to negotiate away that time,” she says.

Story continues below this ad

Mohta grew up watching women expected to compromise in family settings, often at the cost of their own identity. Her background in mental health, she says, gave her an additional lens. “I think this field really helped me to understand myself, my nuances, and also the systemic lens within which we all function.”

“When I challenged the importance of marriage, the explanation was always ‘you can’t live your entire life alone’ or ‘you need some company. Rarely was marriage considered an equal partnership where both partners share responsibilities,’” says Priyadarshni, a PR and communications professional.

How does choosing to remain unmarried affect self-worth and wellbeing? (Source: Canva)

The more she grew professionally, the more marriage began to look less like a personal choice and more like a social obligation, one she was increasingly unwilling to sign up for by default.

Nita describes her own journey. “I don’t think there was a dramatic ‘I hereby reject marriage’ moment complete with background music and a resignation letter,” she says.

Story continues below this ad

“It was more of a gradual realisation. The older I got, the more I understood myself, my priorities, and what genuinely makes me happy. Somewhere along the way, I stopped viewing marriage as a mandatory milestone and started seeing it as one of many possible life choices,” she adds.

The scrutiny

Choosing a different path in India does not happen in a vacuum. It happens at family functions, inside aunts’ kitchens, at office parties, and in perfectly ordinary conversations that turn sideways without warning.

Nita describes the decades with clarity. “In my twenties, people assumed I was single because I was being too picky. In my thirties, they assumed I was secretly heartbroken. By my forties, many seemed convinced I was part of a social experiment.”

The asymmetry, she notes, was striking.

“Nobody ever asked a happily married person, ‘But have you considered staying single?’ Yet the reverse seemed to be everyone’s favourite conversation starter.”

Story continues below this ad

Dr Chandni Tugnait, psychotherapist and founder of Gateway of Healing, explains why the scrutiny persists.

“An unmarried woman gets read as either a failure or a rebel. Nothing in between really exists in the popular imagination. When a woman chooses solitude and seems fine with it, she holds up a mirror to people who never felt they had that choice themselves. Judging her is just easier than sitting with that.”

Rajata Sarkar, counselling psychologist, Maarga Mind Care in Bengaluru, adds that the stigma isn’t confined to family gatherings; it bleeds into workplaces, where single women are perceived as lacking responsibility or maturity. She also points to a telling double standard: women who choose singlehood face far greater scrutiny than men in the same position.

One myth she hears repeatedly in her practice is that a single woman must be incapable of handling responsibility, which is flatly contradicted by her clients, who describe taking charge of their finances, careers, and parental care with clarity and purpose.

The relentless questioning takes a psychological toll.

Story continues below this ad

“Being questioned again and again wears on a person slowly, almost without her noticing,” says Dr Tugnait. “Sometimes this pressure pushes a woman into defining herself by what she isn’t, rather than just living fully in what she is.”

Myths they live against

The assumptions about single women that follow are remarkably consistent.

Dr Tugnait identifies three such assumptions she encounters most often in her practice. First: that single women are lonely and longing for a partner, when in reality, many lead rich social lives with deep friendships that fully meet their emotional needs. Second: that singlehood must stem from past hurt or an unresolved wound, when in truth many arrive there through deliberate, considered reflection. Third: a single woman’s contentment is temporary; regret is simply delayed.

“Yet many women report their satisfaction deepening with time rather than fading,” she says.

Story continues below this ad

Sarkar adds that singlehood, far from diminishing self-worth, can actively strengthen it. Living independently helps women develop sharper self-knowledge, a clearer sense of their own value, and — significantly — a greater willingness to avoid disrespectful relationships.

Redefining companionship

The most persistent myth is the equation of marriage with companionship and singlehood with loneliness. These women dismantle it, each in their own way.

“Age has taught me that solitude and loneliness are not the same thing. One is the absence of people; the other is the absence of connection. You can experience either in a crowded marriage or a quiet apartment,” says Nita.

For her, genuine companionship means having people with whom she can be completely herself —  “celebrated in your successes, challenged in your blind spots, supported in your difficult moments, without having to perform a role.”

Story continues below this ad

Rashika notes, “Companionship can come from siblings, parents, friends, or colleagues. I do not understand why society assumes that only a spouse can be a companion. I have seen many married women who still feel alone.”

Richa challenges the premise at its root. “We need to dismantle the myth that companionship and security can be fulfilled by a single person. We do not need just one person — we need a tribe,” she says.

She also notes that creative work and personal passions serve as their own form of companionship. “Life is simply too expansive to be summarised by the presence of just one individual.”

Single by choice is becoming an increasingly visible reality for many midlife women in India. (Source: Canva)

Rewards and the tradeoffs

When asked, the women say, without hesitation, that singlehood has given them, and their answers come without hesitation.

Story continues below this ad

Financial independence sits at the top. Not just as a practical resource, but as a form of freedom.

“Financial independence directly impacts your freedom to choose your own identity and lifestyle. The earlier you understand your finances, the less conditional your life decisions become,” Richa says.

Sarkar’s clients echo this, describing the ability to care for ageing parents, relocate for work, and pursue career growth unencumbered as tangible gains of their chosen path.

Self-knowledge, though, is consistently named the deepest reward.

“The biggest gift wasn’t independence. It was self-knowledge. When you stop making decisions based on timelines or fear of being left behind, you begin making decisions based on who you actually are,” says Nita.

“The biggest reward of living alone is that you truly get to know yourself,” Rashika agrees.

The women are equally honest about the tradeoffs.

Richa names one rarely acknowledged: society tends to withhold the markers of adulthood from unmarried women, treating their choices as naive and their struggles as less significant than those of married peers.

And as friends build families and careers intensify, the social world contracts. “Choosing this independent path means learning how to ground yourself through those quieter, lonelier moments,” she says. “That is the real tradeoff of adulthood.”

Choosing every day

What unites these women is not opposition to marriage. What unites them is something more fundamental. And that is the insistence that the choice, either way, must be genuinely their own.

“Marriage itself is not good or bad. If someone comes who you sincerely wish to spend your life with, please go ahead. But nobody must marry simply because of pressure from society, age, or family,” Priyadarshni says.

Richa’s advice to younger women: take time to understand what genuinely brings you joy, build financial independence early, expect pushback, and invest deeply in female friendships. “Having an intentional, supportive sisterhood by your side in your 30s holds a truly powerful, irreplaceable space.”

Sarkar offers a distillation from years in the consulting room. “Remaining single is a choice, not always a chance. If there are any taunts, remind yourself that others may not understand the depth of self-love and self-care,” she says.

“Wellbeing has less to do with a ring and more to do with whether a life actually fits the person living it,” says Dr Tugnait.

DISCLAIMER: This article is based on information from the public domain and/or the experts we spoke to.