When a pet dies: How to talk to children about loss and death

Whether we have owned them for months or years, pets can become more than just furry friends and can feel like genuine members of the family.

So when they shuffle, gallop, slither or even hop off this mortal coil it can be tough to accept, especially for children.

Benjamin Jensen, a counsellor for the Skylight Trust, an organisation which provides counselling services for children and young people, told First Up that for some losing a pet can feel as intense as other types of bereavement.

"Obviously every grief journey is different, but I do have clients for who the death of a pet overshadowed a lot of what has been going on for them."

Jensen said whether dealing with the loss of a person or a pet, grief was something that needed to be addressed. "I think that there's a lot of hesitation to to be real about grief with children."

Claire Laurenson is the founder of Grief Relief, a service that supports people of all ages who are dealing with loss.

She encouraged the parents of children who have lost a pet to allow the child to experience the loss, while also supporting them.

"It's not something that needs to be fixed or necessarily try and make them feel better. So affirming feelings, allowing them. Often naming them. It depends on the age of the child, but a younger child may not have the words or vocabulary to support their feelings or to name their feelings. So that's a role that parents can take."

When a pet dies there are also practical necessities such as disposing of the remains. Laurenson said that can be another opportunity to acknowledge the loss.

"I think it's very healing to be part of a process and rituals along the way."

She said one way to help children through that experience was to fully involve them.

"Ask them questions, listen and consider their ideas, they'll be much more creative than ours. They haven't got all the constraints and restraints on their thinking yet.

Jensen said there was also an opportunity for children to express their grief creatively.

"Do they want to paint or create something to put where the pet was buried?"

Stories were another way to teach children about grief and loss, and Laurenson said the monarch butterfly was a classic example.

"That story conveys the concept of recycling, or transitioning different stages without you even needing to say anything."

Children do not just express their grief through tears and sorrow. There can be anger, defiance and outbursts leading to disruptive behaviour. Laurenson likened this to an iceberg.

"Often the thing like the anger or the tantrum is the tip of the iceberg. So it's about getting to what's sitting underneath and it'll be hurt and loss and it'll be all that stuff."

Jensen said one of the ways to stop those icebergs turning into volcanic eruptions was to keep routines consistent for a child experiencing grief, while also making sure they have plenty of support, like "seeing their friends, going into their schools".

"If they need a bit of a break, that's okay, but making sure we get them back into routine as well."

The death of a pet can also bring up uncomfortable truths like our own mortality, something a child might not have considered before losing a first pet. Whether dealing with the loss of a pet or a human, Laurenson said it was best to be honest.

"Kids know when they're being lied to or when it doesn't sit right."

While conversations around loss and mortality could be difficult, Jensen said parents should not worry if they did not get it right the first time.

"These are ongoing conversations. So if there's something that you say that doesn't land or doesn't feel quite right, you can always go back. I think we put a lot of pressure on ourselves, but maybe that pressure is a sign of our discomfort around the topic rather than actually a genuine worry."

So while grief can be a difficult lesson for children and their parents, it is one that can not be avoided.