I'm nearly 33, the fertility clock is ticking, but I'm still unsure about having children

Voices

As she approaches her 33rd birthday, Dr Alvona Loh Zi Hui reflects on why the prospect of parenthood both draws her in and keeps her cautious – and why waiting may not be the solution for indecision.

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26 Jun 2026 09:30PM

As Singapore grapples with a historically low birth rate, I find myself paying more attention to public discussions on the subject than I did in my twenties – not least because I am turning 33 soon. This means I'm reaching a stage of life where the question of whether or not to have children starts becoming difficult to delay.

When I was younger, the issue felt distant. There were other priorities competing for my attention: education, career progression, financial stability, travel and relationships.

Having children or not was a decision I assumed I would eventually arrive at – when the time was right.

Yet here I am, rapidly approaching my mid-30s – and still none the wiser about whether children are right for me.

Among friends my age, more than half are still figuring out if they want children, regardless of whether they are single, engaged or married. Across the board, many are fearful of making this decision too hastily, in view of the commitment and responsibility involved.

THE PROS AND CONS OF PARENTHOOD

While many decisions in life can be deferred, fertility is one of those that comes with a deadline.

When it comes to parenthood, some individuals have always envisioned themselves as parents, while others have long known that children are not part of their plans.

Others, like myself, are simply at the crossroads.

When I imagine having children, I can see the appeal. I think about family structure, the unique experience of bringing up and caring for a new life, and the intimacy of a parent-child bond. I imagine the sense of purpose and connection that many parents, such as my friends and colleagues, have described.

At the same time, I am aware of the many sacrifices involved.

Parenthood drastically changes one’s schedule, budget, career and personal goals. I shudder to think about the loss of freedom, drained finances and never-ending caregiving responsibilities – from bathing and diaper-changing with toddlers to dealing with hormonal mood-swings from pre-teens.

Women feel these concerns particularly significantly, as the demands of domestic work and child care are often borne disproportionately by mothers.

The Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development in 2023 found that in Southeast Asia, women spend 4.2 times as long as men doing unpaid care work, compared to the global average of 2.2 times as long. During the COVID-19 pandemic years, for instance, women were more likely to shoulder the burden of extra duties associated with homeschooling and childcare while schools were closed.

However, at this point of my life, the bigger fear still is that one day, I may realise that I wanted children after all – only to discover that I have missed the boat entirely.

THE ILLUSION OF "LATER"

As a doctor, I run fertility screening for couples, who are mainly in their 20s and 30s.

Some women freeze their eggs in their early 30s in the hope of preserving options for the future. Others undergo fertility treatment much earlier than expected after discovering difficulties conceiving.

I've spoken to many – patients and friends alike – who assumed they had many years left before needing to consider parenthood, only to discover they had limited ovarian reserve or repeated fertility problems.

Reproductive technologies such as egg freezing and IVF exist, but they do not eliminate the effects of age. Fertility declines over time. As we age, conception becomes increasingly challenging, miscarriage rates rise and pregnancy carries more risks for both mother and child.

None of this means that women cannot have healthy pregnancies in their late 30s or 40s. Yet, it does mean that biology continues to move forward regardless of whether we feel ready to become a parent.

Women like me can choose to wait, if we're unsure. But waiting may not make us less unsure over time.

THE TRAP OF UNCERTAINTY

Ultimately, there's no way to know for certain what choosing to become a parent will be like for me.

There is a difference between experiencing something first-hand versus watching or hearing about it from a documentary or interview. For instance, watching someone scale Mount Everest on a three-part Netflix series does not mean I'm ready to face the Himalayas myself.

As much as I can speak to the parents I know about their highs and lows, every individual, couple and family is unique. Learning more about the experiences of others does not guarantee my own potential path will look the same.

Women like me can choose to wait, if we're unsure. But waiting may not make us less unsure over time.

When I reflect on my own hesitation, part of it stems not from doubts about whether I would enjoy having children or whether they would enrich my life, but whether I would even be capable of giving them what they deserve.

Parenthood requires patience, emotional regulation, resilience and selflessness. I have no way of knowing in advance how I will respond to these demands from someone totally dependent on me – just as my own mother had no way of knowing before having me.

This is why the decision feels so daunting to me.

I am not merely deciding if I want kids or not. I'm also trying to predict what kind of person I could become, for the sake of my hypothetical child.

LIVING WITH THE CONSEQUENCES

Most life choices can be revisited: Careers can change, relationships can begin and end, hobbies can be picked up.

The decision to have children, however, is an irreversible, immutable one – and so is the decision not to.

Becoming a parent transforms one's life permanently. Not becoming a parent may lead to regret, but it may open up other possibilities that may be just as fulfilling.

I do not know what the future holds for me.

As someone who's not particularly comfortable with uncertainty, I find it unsettling to be trapped by it in one of the biggest decisions I may ever make. Perhaps I'll freeze my eggs, like some of my friends have done?

But taking steps to put off choosing further does not make the choice for me.

Even with options like these available to me, in 10 years' time, I will likely no longer be able to debate the question. I will simply have to live with the consequences – not of a right or a wrong decision, but of indecision itself.

Dr Alvona Loh Zi Hui is a medical doctor working in a health screening centre in Singapore.

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Source: CNA/ml