Women on being in a 'sex rut' and tips for climbing out

Ellen would love to be having more sex with her husband.

The 36-year-old mother of three young children living in regional NSW says they have great sex — but only once or twice a year.

"I feel like we need to sort this out because it seems like a waste to have two people who love each other and are compatible, and have great sex, to just not ever have sex," Ellen, not her real name, says.

The couple "couldn't get enough of each other" in the early days, explains Ellen, but work, money and caregiving get in the way of romance, especially for her husband.

"It's definitely stress-related because the times that we have come together and had really great sex in recent years have tended to be when we've been away on holiday."

While many women in long-term heteronormative relationships lose interest in sex earlier than their male partners, there are women like Ellen who are desperate to get it back on track.

Sex therapist Georgia Grace says it's common for one or both parties in a long-term relationship to become dissatisfied with their sex life.

She says the mental load and day-to-day responsibilities of life just aren't very sexy, and to prioritise eroticism and intimacy, both people in the relationship need to be invested to make a change.

Yumi Stynes, host of ABC podcast Ladies, We Need to Talk, sat down with women to hear about how a lack of sex is impacting their relationship, and ways they're trying to spice things up.

'My ideal would be once or twice a week'

Ellen, 36, regional NSW

I feel a little frustrated and disappointed because I would definitely like to have more sex.

Occasionally we do … about once a year, once every six months.

I've done the cute outfits, made costumes. I've done the adult board games.

My husband really liked the idea of it, and we had a night when the kids weren't there — they stayed at their grandparents'.

But he ended up working late, and it didn't really happen.

He's got this busy corporate job, he feels like he needs to excel at that.

That's the most important [thing to him], because then he's provided for us. Then we can retire and our kids won't have to stress about money and he can look after his parents if he needs to.

I liked being wanted [early in our relationship]. Now I guess I don't feel that I'm really wanted, [or that] I'm sexy.

I've tried to talk to him about why this drought is happening.

He will say, 'I'm so attracted to you', and I'm saying 'I'm so attracted to you', and we both agree that we should have more sex.

And then there's no practical step.

My ideal would be sex once or twice a week. That would be amazing.

As long as we are connected and responding to each other's needs. Even if it's not an orgasm, just that intimate touching and closeness.

I do think there's something about the art of compartmentalising that you need to do a little bit of.

I'm wondering how I can help him with that … because it's just become this cone of silence in a very, very deep, committed relationship.

'Our sex life is non-existent'

Alice (not her real name), 41, Sydney/Gadigal Country

I'm not in an unhappy marriage, but I could be in a much healthier marriage.

Our sex life is non-existent.

I can remember the way my husband used to look at me, and it was like in awe.

I could tell how much he liked me and loved me.

He used to hug me more and hold my hand. Or just say silly things or send silly messages during the day.

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I think we're both usually really burnt out by the end of the day.

If my husband has a very, very stressful day, to quiet his mind he'll play games on his phone or sometimes on the PC with friends online.

A year ago, I booked a stay in the city because I wanted to be alone with him.

It had been three years since we'd had sex.

Both my kids have a lot of needs, so it's not as easy as just dropping them off at someone's place.

But Mum and Dad were kind enough to say, 'We can do it. It's just one night, it'll be all right.'

It worked, but I can't keep booking nights in the city.

I don't think he realises that I don't just want foreplay and then sex. I want to be desired. I want to feel like I'm loved.

I want to feel like he's looking at me and thinking positive things about me.

He's the only person I want to have sex with. He's the only person I want to be intimate with.

How to get out of the rut

If, like Ellen and Alice, you are stuck in a sex rut, Ms Grace says start by reducing your phone use, because it could be interrupting your opportunity for connection.

For example, she says most people have their phones near them at bed, and it's the last thing they look at before it's time to sleep.

It can feel "impossible" for someone to switch from the hyper stimulation of being on their phone to connecting sexually and being present in the moment, Ms Grace says.

Couples also need to be willing to do things differently.

"Taking responsibility for your sex life includes getting across how you and your partner like to approach sex, and to ask each other how," Ms Grace says.

For example, "Would you like me to initiate sex with you? What ways do you want me to move towards you?"

She says great conversations about sex start with better questions.

"The best sexual partners are curious partners, because a curious partner says, 'I don't know more about your body than you'.

"I'm curious about this stage of life you're in. I'm curious about my own body."

That can allow people to move away from the performance and sexual script we learn from TV and movies, Ms Grace says.

"There's this idea that 20-year-olds are having the best sex … but many people in their 70s and above are having really great sex because they've learned some skills and they're staying curious."