How Ronaldo and Yamal turned Day 22 into Kafka fanfic

Cristiano Ronaldo with Portugal teammate Bernardo Silva (AP Photo)

Hello and welcome to another edition of Offside. Today is the birth anniversary of one of the greatest authors in the Western literary canon. One of the most written-about authors in the world, Franz Kafka didn’t even want much of his work published, but his dying wish was betrayed by his friend and literary executor Max Brod.Kafka’s imprint on modern Western consciousness is so vast that the term Kafkaesque, a disorienting and nightmarish scenario of menacing complexity, can almost be used for any situation.Having to protest without Bose earphones? Kafkaesque.Your e-commerce boy bringing coconuts in a plastic bag? Kafkaesque.Getting soya chunks instead of eggs in your midday meal? Kafkaesque.Well, the last bit really is, because we certainly didn’t evolve over millennia, during which we discovered cooking, which helped power our huge brains, an organ so powerful that it named itself, to have gustatory debates over soya chunks vs eggs.

But I digress.Keeping with the theme of Kafka appropriation, Day 22 of the World Cup 2026 in America, a nation Kafka never visited but imagined quite sublimely in Amerika, was completely Kafkaesque.

AI Cartoon by Nirmalya Dutta

First, we saw Cristiano Ronaldo and Portugal do their best footballing version of The Metamorphosis, in which a GOAT has turned, like protagonist Gregor Samsa, into a giant insect that can barely move and has gone from being the primary breadwinner to a liability for his family or team.

All talk was about the showdown between two former Real Madrid quadragenarians now in the twilight of their careers. It evoked a strange memory of a World Cup quarter-final 20 years ago, when Zinedine Zidane’s France and Ronaldo’s Brazil faced off. That Brazil team had several players at their peak, including Ronaldinho, Kaká, Cafu, Roberto Carlos and Juninho, but it was Zizou who delivered a masterpiece in which he made the Selecao look like a Sunday league team.Twenty years later, there was no such repeat, with both Luka Modric and Cristiano Ronaldo clearly past their prime. Portugal were very lucky to scrape through, even if Ronaldo had one moment of brilliance when he controlled the ball with a Berbatov-like touch before scoring, only for it to be deemed offside.He did eventually score from the penalty spot and was replaced in the 80th minute before his replacement, Goncalo Ramos, scored the winner.

The problem for Portugal is that no one has quite made their case to replace Ronaldo as their main number nine and, if it remains ceteris paribus, Spain will destroy Portugal like a Kafka protagonist is decimated by bureaucracy.

This is one Iberian showdown that doesn’t look like it is going Portugal’s way.Speaking of Spain, La Roja gave Kafka’s old imperial neighbours Austria a proper exhibition of bureaucratic oppression in a passing masterclass that can only be replicated when a file lands up on an Indian babu’s desk.

It’s always funny how bad Austrians, like Hitler, are considered German while good ones, like Arnold or Kafka, are Austrian.

Spain's Lamine Yamal (19) stops the ball during the World Cup round of 32 soccer match between Spain and Austria in Inglewood, Calif., near Los Angeles, Thursday, July 2, 2026. (AP Photo/Gregory Bull)

In a footballing re-enactment of The Trial, Austria got the Josef K treatment, being punished without even being able to pinpoint the source of their crime. Much like the court was everywhere and impossible to locate, the pain from Spain came completely across the midfield, with Pedri, Fabian, Rodri, Olmo and Yamal switching the point of attack.By the time Austria figured out what was going on, they were handed a 3-0 verdict without even finding out their crime. In any case, the crime here was simply turning up against a Spanish side that has re-discovered its Euro 2024 form.And in the final match, Switzerland handed Algeria a 2-0 defeat that, if one stretches literary metaphors, was a fine re-enactment of The Castle. For those who haven’t read it, in The Castle, a land surveyor named K turns up at a village after being summoned by higher-ups in the castle but never figures out how to get in.K spends his entire life trying to get in but is defeated by the sheer process. Much like K, throughout the match, Algeria kept knocking, only to be rebuffed at every turn. The goal was visible, as the castle was to K, but there was simply no way to get in.It was the novel Kafka never finished, though he told Max Brod that his intended conclusion was to have K finally get a message on his deathbed from the Castle, informing him that he had no legal right to live in or work in the village, but that an exception had been made for him.Switzerland, however, made no exception for Algeria, who were summarily dismissed like a T20 batsman playing on a green wicket. An absurd situation, as the famous Algerian-born football fan Albert Camus might have observed.

Australia vs Egypt

11. 30am IST, July 4The Pharaohs and the Socceroos face off for a delicious spectacle on Day 23, in which the Socceroos’ physical game will come up against the star power of King Salah and Omar Marmoush.

Egypt's Mohamed Salah (10) participates in a training session in Dallas, Thursday, July 2, 2026, ahead of the team's World Cup soccer match against Australia. (AP Photo/Tony Gutierrez)

WARRIOR WATCHEgypt went 92 years after winning their first World Cup match and have pushed on since then.

Mohamed Salah might not be in his absolute prime, when he was waltzing through defences at will, but he still remains a mind-racking Sphinx-like enigma for opposition defences. Meanwhile, the Down Under boys will be looking to Harry Souttar to be their biggest attacking and defensive weapon.BATTLE PLANAustralia’s gameplan will be to keep Salah away from the inside channel and force him wide. The midfield needs to protect the ball and ensure that the King cannot cut onto his left foot, which is a rather hard ask for 90-plus minutes.

When Australia break, they have to break fast and hit Egypt on the counter because, let’s face it, they are not Spain. No one is.Egypt will look to stop Australia floating hopeful crosses towards Souttar and will depend on quick switches or cutbacks. The tactical battle is simple: Australia want a duel-heavy game. Egypt want a cleaner game with Salah and Marmoush facing defenders.DINNER TABLE CONVERSATIONAustralia are a proud sporting nation that can make opponents feel stupid, but the Pharaohs have the stardust to make them sweat.

Argentina vs Cabo Verde

3. 30am IST, July 4Imagine this. You play part-time football and work as a bank manager during the day. Then you get your break and turn up at Shamrock Rovers, and life is good. Then you get a LinkedIn message in Portuguese and ignore it. Probably a phishing attempt. Eleven months later, you get the message again and it’s in English. The manager of Cabo Verde wants you to turn up for Cabo Verde, where your father was born. And next up, you are squaring off against Lionel Messi and the reigning World Cup winners: Argentina.

As ridiculous as that sounds, that is Cabo Verde defender Roberto Carlos Lopes’ story. Cabo Verde have already become the underdog team everyone is rooting for, having held Spain to a famous draw.

FILE - People gather to sing happy birthday to Lionel Messi in front of a street mural featuring Messi, in Buenos Aires, Argentina, June 24, 2026. (AP Photo/Rodrigo Abd, File)

WARRIOR WATCHAll eyes will be on Lionel Messi as he chases the one prize that has eluded him in modern football: the World Cup Golden Boot. Meanwhile, Cabo Verde will look to their magician keeper Vozinha to pull off another magic trick.BATTLE PLANArgentina will attack Cabo Verde with everything and hope to find Messi in the middle to dictate matters as he does best.

The maestro is playing with a freedom that comes from having all expectations removed.Cabo Verde will look to protect the middle and hope to turn one counter or set-piece into chaos. And obviously pray, because their nickname might be the Blue Sharks, but it’s Argentina who look like they have smelled blood in the water.DINNER TABLE CONVERSATIONCabo Verde consists of 10 volcanic islands. But they might not face anything quite as mercurial as Argentina’s number 10.

Colombia vs Ghana

7. 00am IST, July 4And finally, Ghana under Carlos Queiroz will look to continue the mischief they started against England by blanking out another storied side. Colombia have Luis Diaz and James Rodriguez in their ranks, but Ghana have sufferball.

Colombia's James Rodriguez, center, participates in a World Cup training session Wednesday, July 1, 2026, in Fort Lauderdale, Fla. (AP Photo/Marta Lavandier)

WARRIOR WATCHLuis Diaz remains Colombia’s most dangerous threat, though James Rodriguez can still pull something out of his bag of tricks. Thomas will look to spoil the ‘Partey’ for Colombia.BATTLE PLANColombia will have to figure out how to beat Carlos Queiroz’s block because that’s the footballing equivalent of a Chakravyuh.

They will have to find a way to Abhimanyu past it because giving Diaz the ball with Ghana players around him is useless.Ghana will happily let Colombia keep the ball in harmless areas and will look to Partey to prevent James from dropping between the lines. And then for Colombia to part at the back.DINNER TABLE CONVERSATIONCarlos Queiroz has already made England look flaccid. Can Ghana do it against Colombia too? Because that will certainly put a smile on a Scotsman’s lips.MEME WATCHPS: If you have any memes for submission, tag @nonsensicalnemo and use the hashtag #TOIOFFSIDE. Thanks to @vish0890, @Rishit_sayss, and @n_adicionado for today's memes.