What happens when grandparents aren't around - through distance or loss

Aucklander Helen Ellis recently laughed with her eldest granddaughter about how the fizzy lollies she used to post to her stepson in England would be rationed by her granddaughter when she was a child.

Asked why they mattered so much, her granddaughter replied: "They would always remind me of you guys".

Ellis calls gifts like these "love depositories" — tangible reminders of grandparents for children growing up overseas. It's a theme the social anthropologist and author has encountered repeatedly while researching and speaking to distance grandparents and grandchildren.

Auckland mother of three Miki Brooks can relate. She still tears up remembering how her American grandmother mailed a box of quilting tools to New Zealand in the 1990s after Brooks asked what she needed to learn the craft.

"It was so expensive to mail things," Brooks says. "But for her, it wasn't a question."

Quilting became more than a hobby. "I kept up with quilting simply because it was the easiest way for my grandmother and I to connect and talk."

Helen Ellis on being a grandchild or grandparent living geographically apart

It Takes A Village

'Distance' grandchildren more common?

“When you live it as that grandparent, and it's a below the radar topic, and nobody sees you with your grandkids, it's like they don't exist… so it's like a hidden part of your being.”

Brooks, who helps cross-cultural families through her non-profit InBetween, believes societal shifts in what we value, like independence, has “robbed our kids” of grandparents playing a more active role as might’ve been the case a generation or two ago.

What role do they play?

Massey University clinical psychology professor Kirsty Ross says grandparents can significantly support a child’s development – from positive attachment, emotional resilience, cultural identity to an extra layer of support through adolescence.

“Many young people do find it easier to discuss sensitive issues with grandparents because that relationship feels less emotionally fraught and emotionally charged.”

Children notice when grandparents are absent, particularly during middle childhood (roughly 8 to 12 years old), Ross says.

For grandparents, the relationship can provide a sense of meaning and purpose – giving them a chance to “do over” what they may not have been able to with their own children and provide another source of “love and joy and fun” as they near or enter retirement, Ross says.

Ellis says those connections can leave lifelong impressions. One Canadian woman told her how her South African grandparents read her Winnie the Pooh with a beautiful voice. She went on to become an audio book narrator.

Ross adds that, like any family relationship, the benefits depend on its quality. Conflict between grandparents and parents can leave children caught in the middle.

The challenges of staying connected

Distance grandparenting depends heavily on parents, who Ellis describes as the "gatekeepers". Technology can help, but only if both have the skills to use it. For example, a baby still needs someone to answer the phone and prop it up. And the child might not grow up speaking the same language either.

“As a New Zealand distance grandparent, you've got nearly every boundary and barrier thrown at you far more than other countries,” Ellis says, noting the time zone, hemisphere and seasonal differences.

Brooks says grandparents are often navigating not only generational but cultural and value differences, which can make it harder to understand what kind of lives they’re leading.

To help encourage empathy, Ellis runs a private Facebook group where she shares research and articles about expat family life.

'If only you were here'

Ellis says it's natural for grandparents to miss children and grandchildren living overseas, but guilt-tripping doesn’t help.

“The strongest emotion our kids [who go overseas] experience … is the guilt of the left behind family.”

Instead, she encourages grandparents to celebrate their children's decisions and invest in their own interests alongside maintaining family connections.

Brooks experienced this contrast firsthand: one set of her sons’ grandparents resented the distance, while the other made a conscious effort to understand their lives. They didn’t know anything about rugby but learned how it was played so they could cheer them on.

“They [the grandchildren] absolutely notice. They know who is actually invested in them as a person or just ‘I have to love you because you're part of my bloodline’.”

Whose job is it to connect?

The answer is simple for Brooks: “It's the adult's job to connect with the kid, not the kid's job to remember that they have grandparents.”

She recalls how her grandmother bought a computer with dial-up in the 1980s so she could email her grandchildren after years of writing letters. Even when replies to letters didn't come, she kept writing.

“It's that kind of mindset,” she says. “I know we talk about two-way street, but the children, for crying out loud, they don't know what they're missing out on. So we have to help them understand what they're missing out on.”

Every child is different, Ellis says, and grandparents also need realistic expectations as grandchildren grow older and busier.

Ellis suggests finding whatever works for each one. You could send a Kiwi book that you love and read it together, play an online game with them, puppeteer on a video call or send mail.

Learning to grieve

For many children, grandparents are their first experience of grief. Brooks says that because children are still supported by their parents, those early losses can help them learn how to cope with bereavement in future.

"Because if your parents are the first people that you remember losing, that's huge. Who do you grieve with?"

Distance families may face difficult conversations sooner than others, she says, such as discussing illness, care plans and funerals because travelling home isn't always possible.

"I'm going through this with my boys now," she says. "Grandma's been in and out of hospital. It's like, well, okay, let's talk about if we lose grandma, she's in America, none of you can afford to go back.

“How are we going to love, remember, support grandma, support grandpa? Like, what is it that we want to do as a family for us to be together in this and support that previous generation?”

Finding grandparent figures

Biological grandparents aren't the only people who can fill that role. Brooks says her three sons grew up with several "sets of grandparents" — older adults who knew, loved and supported them even though they weren't related.

"Sometimes they're seasonal, they come and go. Others have stuck around for the long haul.”

When her children later had babies of their own, those surrogate grandparents celebrated alongside them because they'd witnessed the children's lives firsthand.

Ross experienced something similar after her own mother, the last surviving grandparent, died. Her aunt and uncle stepped in for Grandparents Day at her children's school, helping fill the gap.

Keeping grandparents in your life

When grandparents die (whether it's before the grandkids arrive or after), Ellis says what matters most is preserving their stories. If possible, she says, record eulogies or other family stories for future generations.

Ross agrees that talking openly about grandparents helps children develop a sense of identity and belonging.

Drawing family trees, looking through photographs and sharing stories can all help children understand where they come from.

Genealogist Fiona Brooker, who has written Memories in Time tracing four generations of her family, wishes her children had been able to hear more from her parents before they died.

Brooker has since begun recording conversations with her in-laws around the kitchen table, believing those everyday stories can reveal more than official records.

“Ask questions, share photos (great story starters) and record stories. Create a wider family group on social media and ask questions but save those responses to a more permanent record elsewhere, so they are not lost to future generations,” Brooker wrote to RNZ in an email.

"It's never too early to start recording your own stories for future generations."