The American Dream is missing one key ingredient, says Harvard happiness expert: Without it, 'life is pretty grim'

In 2018, Alexandra Friedman moved to Seattle to start a new marketing job at Amazon. She was 36 and, despite growing up there, had to rebuild her friendships and professional network after 18 years away. It was "genuinely isolating," she says.

Her story reflects a tradeoff many Americans face: Pursuing opportunity often means leaving community behind.

Today, 72% of Americans define the American Dream as achieving financial stability, according to a recent CNBC and SurveyMonkey survey of 4,130 U.S. adults, while 58% define it as owning a home. Just 35% say it means feeling like part of a community. But a sense of belonging is essential to a good life, researchers say.

If financial stability is all you've got, "and you don't feel like you belong to a community, life is pretty grim," says Robert Waldinger, professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development.

Isolation, he adds, could have real repercussions for our health and wellbeing, and could make it much harder to find success at large.

This choice between achievement and community has long been part of the American tradition, but, these days, for many Americans, social connection is dwindling.

Here's how community has played into the American Dream throughout U.S. history — and what today's trends could mean for its future.

Where the American Dream's classic definition falls short

The American Dream has always been "linked to a definition of success that is around material success," says Mary Battenfeld, clinical research professor of American Studies at Boston University.

That material success, however, has also been reflected in the rituals and traditions that bring neighbors together, the promise of what you get once you achieve the dream.

Alina Rudya/bell Collective | Digitalvision | Getty Images

"We have ice cream socials, we have parades, we have picnics," says Benjamin Cornwell, professor of sociology at Cornell University and author of "Friends and Fortunes: Social Capital Inequality in America." "All of those things are examples of the sort of collective effervescence that we see going along with the American Dream."

But in a country as big as the U.S., where the best opportunity can be geographically far from family and friends, moving on is almost a prerequisite for success, says Jeffrey Hall, professor of communication studies at the University of Kansas. Oftentimes, "you need to leave your community and almost eschew it," Hall adds, "to get the American Dream."

That tension between gaining and giving up connections is reinforced by America's highly individualistic culture. The ideal of the self-made person suggests success comes from grit and hard work alone. In reality, though, "nobody's self-made," says Waldinger.

"Relationships actually drive individual success," he says. "For example, you are most likely to get your next job through your social networks."

'It's no wonder that all we hear about is loneliness'

There's ample evidence this cultural de-prioritization of community could be affecting behavior on the ground. The U.S. has long seen a decline in social connection.

These days, Americans age 15 and older spend an average of less than 35 minutes per day socializing and communicating with others in their leisure time, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics. That's down from nearly 47 minutes per day in 2003, an almost 26% decrease in socializing.

Nearly three-quarters of U.S. adults get together with their close relationships just twice a month or less, and 29% rarely or never talk with them through phone or video calls, according to the 2025 Social Connection in America report.

A value system that emphasizes material success above all can contribute to people's individual decisions about making time for family and friends, says Julianne Holt-Lunstad, professor of psychology and neuroscience at Brigham Young University and director and chief science lead of the report.

"From a social connection standpoint," she says, "we have such an individualistic viewpoint that it's no wonder that all we hear about is loneliness."

'You could decide, every day on my commute to work, I'm going to reach out to somebody'

Between failing to reach out to a friend and ordering in everything you need, it's only a matter of time before Americans simply stop talking to each other, says New York-based psychotherapist Andrew Tepper. "I don't think it's a question of if," adds Tepper. "I think it's a question of when."

Without social connection, people face a greater risk of heart disease, stroke and self-harm. Those health challenges alone can make financial and professional success harder to achieve. But without people to support you and connect you to new opportunities, the American Dream becomes harder to achieve — for individuals and society alike.

"The more isolated we become, the less we may thrive," says Waldinger.

Relationships actually drive individual success.

Robert Waldinger

Director, Harvard Study of Adult Development

Some day-to-day habits could help people strengthen personal ties. Set up times to talk to the people in your life regularly, advises Waldinger: "You could decide, every day on my commute to work, I'm going to reach out to somebody." Set up times to see people as well, maybe a weekly walk or coffee. Text and email the people in your life regularly.

As for Friedman, she began hosting monthly dinner parties soon after moving to Seattle to enable people, herself included, to find like-minded friends. She now works full-time as a friendship coach, she says, having helped thousands build the skills to connect.

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