Bin tactics. At times like these, only a Zia perma-rage defence of Nige will do | John Crace

You can often tell when Reform is running scared and losing control of the political narrative, because that’s the time Richard Tice is put back in his box. Everyone but Dicky knows that Dicky is a halfwit. A man whose very life force is dependent on Nigel Farage’s continued existence. Without Nige there would be no Dicky. He is the tick with no autonomous nervous system. Just a kneejerk response with too much money. Dicky likes to boast of his small fortune. Mainly because he started with a large one.

At times like these, Reform go for their pet rottweiler: Zia Yusuf. No Nige-like temper tantrums for Zia. That’s because he lives in a constant state of extreme perma-rage. It must be as exhausting for him as it is for us to experience. There is nothing that doesn’t make him angry. Most politicians do a nice line in passive aggression. Zia’s USP is active aggression. He is the aggressive’s aggressive. The self-made millionaire who is always unhappy and feels let down by others. The man with so much money that he can afford to do politics as a hobby. He longs to be a professional politician but will only ever be an amateur.

So the day after Nige’s byelection stunt began to unravel on first contact with reality – he had hoped to reverse the stream of negative stories surrounding Thai crypto-billionaire Christopher Harborne and convicted fraudster Gorgeous George Cottrell but only ended up making himself look too shifty even for the usually supportive Daily Telegraph – Zia was sent out to do the media round to see if he could shift the dial. Something he did with ease. Zia has yet to find a bad situation he can’t make worse.

On the Today programme, Nick Robinson began by wondering how Farage hoped to regain credibility in a byelection in which his only opponent is Count Binface. Soon to become Sir Count Binface in recognition of his services to democracy, Zia could barely contain his contempt for Robinson – who was this nobody talking to him? – and for the tone of the questions. Even total subservience wouldn’t be enough. Zia is his own self-appointed Sun King.

First off, Yusuf cried foul. It hadn’t occurred to him or Nige that all the other parties might see through Reform’s not-so cunning plan and call their bluff by refusing to put up candidates in the byelection. That Nige had condemned himself to spending the rest of the summer making an arse of himself in Clacton and taking part in hustings with a man wearing a dustbin on his head while the rest of us ignored him and went on holiday. Not waving but drowning.

You could sense the desperation and doubt closing in on Zia. Political nous was supposed to be Nige’s strongpoint. The way he controlled the message and communicated with people. But now it was falling apart. First by taking the money and not declaring it. Now by having rings run round him by all the other parties.

The Midas touch had turned out to be fool’s gold. But Zia couldn’t stop himself from continuing to dig. The other parties had been screaming for an election, he cried. So they ought to be participating in this one. For Nige’s sake if not for their own. Er … run this one past us, Zia. They hadn’t actually been screaming for an election, they had been calling for an investigation that would almost certainly end in an election. There was a difference. It was about following the rules.

There’s also a certain irony in Zia insisting that others take part in elections. Because he never has. He is the unelected home affairs spokesperson for Reform. There because of Nige’s droit de seigneur. And presumably his cash also helps. Poor Zia. He told a broadcaster recently that he was desperate to fight an election but hadn’t been selected. Think about that for a bit. The Reform hierarchy would rather field a candidate like Matt Goodwin than Zia. Perhaps they see Zia as a total liability. Someone whose temper shouldn’t be unleashed on voters. And yet he still gets sent out to do PR. Reform is falling apart.

Now the interview turned into open warfare. Nothing was fair. The whole world was against him. The election would be a contest between The People v The Establishment. Zia wasn’t wrong. Only it was Binny representing The People and Nige representing The Establishment. Nige the posh boy commodities trader with five houses and open access to a gift which was reported to the National Crime Agency.

Zia seemed to know he was losing it, but it appears he can’t help himself. His fury that though he is establishment he’s still not quite establishment enough. No invites to the royal box at Wimbledon. All he could do was talk over Robinson as he asked about the principle of politicians disclosing where funds had come from. Zia refused to engage.

The only rules that counted were the ones that Nige wrote for himself. Nige was a hero. A man of courage. Flying the flag for dodgy donors everywhere. The little people whose wallets were larger than their private jets. Nige wasn’t trying to evade scrutiny. He was opening himself up to scrutiny. Just as long as people didn’t look too closely. And he was sticking up for the rights of prisoners to be rehabilitated. Gorgeous George deserved a second chance to keep Nige in the style to which he had become accustomed.

The interview concluded grumpily with Zia insisting that no one would ever take him or Nige alive. Robinson sounded relieved to have come out of it physically unhurt. There was just time, though, for Justin Webb to have a few words with the other candidate: Clacton’s saviour, Count Binface. Binny was a great deal more agreeable as he explained why he had redirected his starship from Sigma 9 to Clacton.

He had been called to save democracy. Binny had a fully costed manifesto to build one affordable home. To nationalise Adele. And to make the water bosses swim in the rivers they had polluted. But can you win? asked Justin. Probably not, said the Count. A refreshing turn of honesty. He was just pleased to have made it on to the Today programme after years of failure in other elections. By now even Nick wanted to join in. Binny put him in his place. “Just don’t go on about Manchester United. And why did you ask me on for the 8.45 slot and then move me to the rollercoaster slot where I end up crashing the beeps?”

“Can I wish you good luck?” said Justin as the dreaded beeps approached. The sentiments of much of the nation. Cry God for Binny, England and St George.