Navigating grief and healing at Matariki

One of the most important elements of Matariki is remembering loved ones who have passed.

Reo and tikanga exponents Niwa Milroy and Heeni Te Mate Kōiwi know that journey of grief intimately.

Speaking with Stacey Morrison, Te Mate Kōiwi shared the loss of daughter Taiiringa last year, while Milroy reflected on farewelling both parents Wharehuia and Marion.

Milroy said this season of the year around Matariki is a "time of stillness" and a time to reflect.

"I think when that stillness happens, it's like the clock ticking in a quiet room," she said. "We start to hear the things that we've been carrying over the year that we might not have been paying attention to throughout that time, because we're so busy and we start attending to other things.

"Matariki brings about that time where we can reflect back on those things that we have been carrying."

It's also a time to recognise Taramainuku, who journeys across the sky in a celestial waka, gathering the souls of the dead in his kupenga (net), she said.

The star Pōhutukawa, part of the Matariki cluster, in particular, is associated with the dead.

"When we pay attention to Pōhutukawa, during our hautapu ceremonies, one of the things that we do is we honour our dead and we call out their names," she said. "It's a time for reflection, it's a time for renewal, but without remembrance, renewal becomes shallow."

Te Mate Kōiwi said she still felt "in two minds", since the loss of her daughter.

"I know everybody experiences death in so many different forms and one of the tangible aspects of te ao Māori that we have is Matariki."

Matariki was another way be able to mourn and grieve, and - not so much let go - but allow the ascension of your loved ones to "where they need to be," she said.

At last week's national secondary schools kapa haka competition, Taiiringa's school Te Koutu dedicated their performance to her - they went on to win the whole competition.

Te Mate Kōiwi said that moment re-affirmed the value of the Kura Kaupapa system, where children were taught about concepts like Matariki, which they could use to navigate their own lives.

"Last week, watching Te Kura Kaupapa Māori o Te Koutu is more about them showing us adults or generations above themselves that our belief is that the tamaiti guides us or the next generation guides us, and so watching them is more like I'm still quite overwhelmed."

Tikanga (custom) within the first year of mourning was to not speak, so breaking that tikanga to continue to showcase strength, aroha and empathy was, in this case, the right pathway, she said.

"The statistics show that our people get so sad or so pouri that they depart the world earlier than other races in New Zealand and around the world, so speaking out or sharing this journey is helpful for our whānau. It's also a way to be able to have that wider wānanga with all of us and be able to share our insights, share our knowledge."

Te Mate Kōiwi said her grandmother would share stories about how all her sisters had died before they were 42. Hearing those experiences taught her to appreciate life.

"You try your best to be that good example of trying to stay well, so that your children or the next generations can see this, otherwise you can see the other side. I totally understand the other side of not being able to withstand the threshold of pain, grief, mourning and where to alleviate that where do you go to, so the ceremony again for Matariki helps be able to alleviate that."

Sitting in the crowd last week and watching the song for her daughter, although she had seen it before and thought she would be OK, something welled up within her - he tangi apakura - a lament.

"It's not about normalising apakura, but there is a stigma around 'I don't want to have that ugly cry', you know. Some people are comfortable with it, but it's about re-introducing perhaps with us, just as Māori or just as friends and whānau and hapū and iwi, that our tūpuna were like this and that it's OK to do that."

For young people, including her own daughters, there was some form of shame or embarrassment when you were crying in front of a lot of people, she said.

"For me, as a mum, at the moment it's more about allowing these spaces to be able to cry. Yeah, it's OK to cry publicly too, but just be wary of our tamariki is what I'm trying to say, because people have caught up that wailing is OK, but we don't really see it.

"You'll only see it perhaps on the marae or by kuia, and some people don't have access to kuia who do that all the time, so it doesn't feel so normal, even though we know it's normal."

Milroy said there was something about each and every Māori ritual relating to death.

For example, karanga, which can call to the dead and bring people back into connection with those who have passed, she said.

Or whaikōrero, which can give voice to pain and bring humour to the memories of those who have passed by sharing stories about them.

"I think, during the grieving process, that connection is important remembering and having rituals that brings us back to our grief, brings us back to our love.

"It also allows us to share that and have it witnessed by others, I think it's an important thing that we have these spaces - they are tapu spaces that honour our grief."